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Wedding Weight

Before choosing your goal for the year, use math

Before choosing your goal for the year, use math

Some of us occasionally dream of returning to our wedding weight, or the weight we were when we looked our very best. And here we are, peering into the nostrils of a New Year, which is seemingly the perfect moment to pick a winner of a goal for the next twelve months.

But before I choose my wedding weight as my goal, I must take a moment to examine it mathematically. Thing is, my math skills are a little rusty so will you help me? Please, let’s sit and work this out together.

Let’s say my wedding weight = X. X = the weight of me, pre-hubby, no kids, booming career, imaginary problems. When I was X, I ate brownies by the pan and then aerobicized them away, mamba-ing on and off a plastic step. Grapevine, over the top! This X would take down three bowls of corn chips and a mound of guacamole the size of a head of iceberg while waiting for the waiter to bring my freaking enchiladas already, then stop for ice cream on the way home. Two scoops. When bored, good ole’ X would do things like run eight miles and then go on a bike ride. When X would eat one of her seven daily meals, X would have fainted standing up if she’d eaten a salad as a main course. Everything added to X would be subtracted soon after.

Today I am X5. One husband, three kids, and countless boring issues. According to my understanding of the basic rules of algebra along with my experience in parenting, marriage, and life, this means any numerical value cannot be added to X. X must be multiplied upon itself in every equation. X 5 ≠ X unless X= 1. But X will never = 1 again. X will always be > 1 because X is larger in every way. X made three people (with help). X has traveled and grown by exploring amazing cultures, people, and places. X has tried many new things and often failed at them and learned a lot. X has struggled and fought and sobbed and agonized and somewhere along the way, X decided to search out laughter and add it to life whenever possible. And given the opportunity, X will still consume a truckload of brownies, and X does not plan on ever NOT doing that. Today’s X may not be better in every way, but this X is bigger in every way. Sure, there are some places where X would prefer to be smaller. But wouldn’t it be weird and unnatural and mathematically impossible for the X of today = old X? Shouldn’t today’s X = X + 10?

That’s what I thought too. Better pick a new goal. Thanks for your help.

You may not hear from me for a few weeks, I have book work to do. But then again, if I’m procrastinating, I’ll blog, so I’ll probably see you tomorrow.

Happy New Year.



6 Responses to “ Wedding Weight ”

  1. K8 M says:


  2. Nancy Villalobos says:

    Delightful, Lindsey. Brought a big smile to my face.

  3. Lori says:

    wedding weight is such a distant memory…as Nora Ephron once said “I should have walked around in a bikini every day at age 26″…xoxo


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