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This Will Never Happen

It’s tough being perfect

Here is a conversation between three people as they leave my house. This conversation will never happen.

 

“I have never in my life seen a home so clean. Every surface sparkles. Truly astonishing…”

“It’s a whole new level of tidy. It’s as though she took the act of cleaning and refined it to a higher art!”

“She must only clean and do nothing else-“

“Not to be a jerk, but I think she should get some outside interests. I mean, it’s too clean. it’s, like, creepy clean…”

“About her kids, though, how is it that they are so quiet and respectful?”

“I know for a fact that they would never snort at her while she is mid-sentence and then completely tune her out…”

“You’re right, somehow she really seems to hold their attention…”

“It’s amazing how she gets them to do chores and stuff the very first time she asks…”

“Last week I saw some kids playing after school. They had ketchup dried on the sides of their faces. Like, a lot of ketchup. It was pretty disgusting. And it looked like their hair had not seen a brush for a week. I thought for a second that they were her kids and then I had to LOL because, hello, her kids would never have ketchup smeared on their clothes or faces!”

“Of course not! She doesn’t even have ketchup in her house, you guys!”

“Plus, her kids must get haircuts every four weeks.”

“She probably should have had more kids, and I don’t throw that out lightly…”

“Um… so… Not to be a jerk, but it bugs me how everything in her life is so coordinated and matchy-matchy…”

“Oh whatever, it’s so natural for her.”

“Let’s move on from the parenting bar she has set so annoyingly high… I think she should be on Top Chef, you guys.”

“Truth.”

“I mean, come on, the snack variety? And every day a new and different lunch with a color theme?”

“Her food is appealing to every pallet!”

“Actually, I think it’s her food transitions that work so well. I mean, it’s so seamless, how her dinners flows from, say, mac-n-cheese to a kale-beet casserole. The kids don’t even realize they are being served something that other people may find disgusting!”

“Not to be a jerk, but I think she should occasionally take down a chicken burrito. It looks to me like her jeans are getting a little too loose…”

“I can’t get over how she is always so pleasant…”

“You know that motto, No bad days? She lives it…”

“I think she should be one of those people who gets paid to organize other people’s homes.”

“Or, like, one of those people at the Apple store who teaches all the laggards about cutting edge technologies…”

“Come on, you guys, she would never do either of those jobs, she makes far too much money as a writer.”

“Oh, that’s right. She’s a writer. She can’t count it fast enough.  Never mind.”

 

 

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2 Responses to “ This Will Never Happen ”

  1. Jean says:

    You are so funny! Iti is weird that people say many of the same things after they leave my house. Your blog has made me feel so much better about it.

 

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