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Yes, I will write for you.

You lick the knife after spreading Nutella. You stifle laughter when other people get peeved and wrack with sobs when most people chuckle. You always look guilty of something, your favorite sport is tripping while holding something fragile, and you enjoy snapping your fingers in elevators, even in between Kenny G. songs. You’re a lot like me. Uh huh, you are. Except you cannot write. I  mean at all. You should be arrested for every word you put on paper or screen because it’s stiff, it suggests something you don’t mean, and is most likely spelled wrong. You are overflowing with other smarts but writing just ain’t yo’ thang.  And now you are required, by life, to write something important. Ugh, why, Life? But it’s true, you need a bio, a blurb, a clever paragraph, or something light and easy like War and Peace. However, your inner Russian novelist is on an ostrich farm in Yuma and not answering her Blackberry. Pick up the phone, Nikolai!

Shhh, stop your sniffling, Colonel Griffling. Don’t get yourself all freaky, Madame Squeaky. It’s gonna be okay, Egg Souffle. Help has arrived in an ill-fitting corduroy pantsuit and staticky hair. You don’t need to ask twice. Yes, I will write for you.

Email a description of your daunting project to lindseysalatka@gmail.com and I  will get you a quote. This will initiate a conversation which will end with you looking like a champ and thanking me profusely, and me saying, “Glad to do business with you, now send me your friends.” I’ve been to this rodeo, and you’re welcome.

Yes, I will edit for you.

If we were cave people, you’d be the one who chiseled important stuff on walls and I’d be the one who made your etchings slightly prettier. Everyone needs a buddy sometimes, someone who will say, “Yes! You’ve done it!”, or, “You’re so close, try this,” or, “No, please, stop, I’m begging you.” I’m that gal. Send your vision to lindseysalatka@gmail.com and I’ll let you know how I can help get you to the finish line. Because you can do it, you just need me.

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