Last week, I posted a conversation that has never and will never happen. This week brings a conversation that actually happened. At least I think it did. Or maybe it was just a strange dream…
“Show me your tongue,” the acupuncturist said. This was the first time I met with him.
“Uh, okay,” I laughed nervously and stuck out my tongue. This is just perfect, I thought. I know for a fact I have tacos stuck in my teeth.
His eyes filled with horror.
Crud, I knew I should have had soup for lunch. Or at least brought a breath mint.
“Here, let me feel your pulses,” He said, grabbing my wrist.
Pulses, plural? Not pulse singular? I scratched my head. Might I have an unknown invisible conjoined twin? That would explain a lot, actually…
He shook his head and tut tutted, then grabbed his notepad and started madly scribbling. After several minutes, he looked up at me and sighed.
“Your spleen qi is deficient and your liver qi is stagnant,” he exhaled with furrowed brow.
“Okay, hmm,” I wanted to ask what that meant but instead I went with, “What should I do about this, uh, situation?”
“Well, for starters, from now on, you must only eat hot foods.”
I was confused but didn’t want to be difficult. I knew this guy was highly regarded. I was lucky to get an appointment with him. “I can do that,” I said, nodding slowly. “I will pop all food, except my daily ration of ice cream, into the microwave for 30 seconds before snarfing it. I pretty much do that anyway…”
“No, not temperature hot.” He sighed.
“Oh, uh, okay then. I will sprinkle sriracha over all my food.”
He shook his head.
“Wait, you’re right. Some days I will sprinkle Cholula. This will all depend on the persuasion of my meal. Mind you, bananas won’t taste great with either hot sauce, but I’ll survive-“
“No, not spicy hot either,” he rubbed his forehead. “Hot foods like mustard greens, cherries, sweet potatoes, and chicken.”
I looked at him, tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. “I am unaware of this hot food list. Please expand.”
“You must eat foods that make your body hot. Heat will move your qi. If you don’t move your qi, you will continue to have problems, like sinus infections. So eat hot foods, they are good for your condition.”
“Cherries move my qi?”
I looked at him for a while. “Do maraschino cherries count?”
“No. Real cherries.”
“Oh, okay. How about carnitas, are they hot? They seem like they would be very hot-“
“No. Pork is neutral.”
“Pork is neutral but chicken is hot,” I repeated.
Looks like I need to do some research. Big sigh. In the meantime, is anyone free tonight for chicken tacos and cherry pie?